A lesson for grown-ups from online schooling

Scientific studies and child development textbooks tell you that positive messages matter. What the don’t tell you is precisely what happens to messages from teachers and mentors inside a developing mind.

This forced online schooling resulting from the COVID-19 pandemic has provided me with an interesting insight into that secret.

Our schools closed weeks ago. In fact, our local school was likely the first school in Europe outside of Italy to close due to COVID-19. The closure took place directly after spring break and many teachers treated it like an extended vacation, except that they were required to send lists of assignments to the kids. The assignment lists were initially ridiculously long and repetitive, causing huge stress in families.

Slowly some of the teachers have begun teaching online in one form or another and their assignment lists have become more realistic and engaging. My two children probably have the extremes when it comes to teachers.

My fourth-grade daughter has three teachers covering language arts, social studies, science, math and foreign language. None of them is very engaged with students. The homeroom teacher spent the first two weeks of the quarantine trying to avoid contact with parents and students, but he has finally agreed to brief phone check-ins with students on an individual basis. This at least gives kids a chance to clarify assignments and gives a feeling that it isn’t just parents forcing kids to do the endless work.

Image by Arie Farnam

Image by Arie Farnam

The math teacher is the one teacher who continues to have extreme expectations and who refuses all contact with students other than assignments being turned in through an online form that makes any back-and-forth impossible. She regularly threatens to give failing grades if assignments are late due to lack of internet access or other technical difficulties.

My third-grade son, on the other hand, has a teacher who spends time in a private social media group with students, engages in individual and group calls, gives assignments through brief, entertaining videos and gives assignments that cross the boundaries between subjects.

Recently, she gave an assignment that students were to write a report on the section of their reading books which they had read that day with a few lines of writing and a drawing, which was required to include the use of their geometry compasses. In this way, she noted that they would be covering reading, math and art in one project.

My son was relatively unmotivated anyway, tired of weeks shut away from the world in our little house during a chilly early spring. But I got him working on the project and gave him an idea for how to employ his compass in the picture. With a little encouragement, he spent more than an hour on the report and picture and felt better and better about it along the way.

He then took a photo of it and sent it to his class WhatsApp group. He immediately got several enthusiastic replies from the other kids. Then the teacher sent him a private message of praise, exclaiming, “It’s an excellent picture! You worked hard at it and it turned out really well.” There was real joy in her voice and a bit of a chuckle, likely because the subject matter was about two boys pretending to saw into a magic-trick box with a person banging on the lid from the inside.

It was fairly average praise, but with some feeling behind it. No more than two seconds in length in the voice recording.

For the next two days, every time my son had his phone we heard him replaying that two-second sound clip over and over again. He would lie curled on the couch and play his teacher’s voice again and again.

It reminded me of how a sharp comment or criticism from someone whose opinion you really value can cut deep and echo endlessly in the mind. In this case, it was praise that echoed, but it wasn’t just inside his mind. For once, because of the necessity of online schooling, we could hear the message he was replaying to himself again and again.

Two days later the teacher had another creative assignment for the kids, asking them to write an instructional essay about how to do some simple household task or craft, practicing step-by-step language and taking photos with their phones to document the process. Instead of his usual reluctance, my son was out early in the morning looking for something to write about and document with his camera.

A week later I noticed him going through sound clips of his teacher on his phone, playing one after another. It dawned on me that he was searching for that clip. He was having trouble finding it because there were a great many new clips of his teacher kindly but firmly correcting his math or spelling, both of which present significant challenges due to dyslexia.

Again it was a glimpse into the workings of a kid’s mind, searching for that one bright point of hope amid what seems to him to be a pile of criticism and bewilderingly uninteresting detail.

On the other extreme there is the disinterest of my daughter’s teachers. It isn’t criticism necessarily that is the polar opposite of heartfelt praise but rather disengagement and a focus on quantifiable results, like grades. My daughter’s teachers are not harsh to her. They simply are disengaged. Their harshness is reserved for threatening emails to the parents to ensure their children’s cooperation or face the failing grades.

And the result is complete lack of interest no matter what the assignment is. The only way my daughter gets through assignments is by being bribed with the prospect of time on video games and social media. And even that is hit and miss. Every minute of schoolwork is torture both for her and for me.

I’ve always tried to find the bright bits that can bring out a spark of emotion in my voice when praising my kids or my students. It isn’t always there and maybe part of its magic is in its relative rarity. But clearly such heartfelt praise is very helpful and motivating.

It is worth noticing that my son’s teacher praised him or let him know he was right on math or spelling at other times. It wasn’t all criticism, though he does make many mistakes. There were other positives, but those weren’t the things replayed over and over again. It was the one with feeling that counted.

So, I will try to remember this and be present enough to put that heart in when I can. It isn’t easy but seeing the inner results played out loud makes the need clear.

The first nine days in COVID-19 lockdown

So, that happened. School is cancelled for the foreseeable future. As a kid I would have thought it was a dream come true.

But as a kid, I would have received some basic assignments, done them in thirty minutes and been out playing for the rest of the day.

Now I live in the Czech Republic, where teachers generate lists of essays and exercises with scant explanation for my third-grqader and fourth-grader. I’m also a parent, not a kid, and I’m stuck with the endless mandatory assignment lists, screaming kids, twice the cooking, nothing on the store shelves and a business I have no time to run.

It will be at least two weeks, likely a month, possibly several. months. I am already hoarse and my body feels like someone beat me with a stick. But my hubby is home at the moment, and I’m going to put down a few words before I collapse because I can’t see how there will be a blog by the new moon, if I don’t.

Image by Arie Farnam

Image by Arie Farnam

As far as I can tell ours was the first school in Europe to close outside of Italy, where there is a real epidemic of COVID-19. (Note from the future: In the Czech Republic, there were ten cases when the school closure was first announced, but by the time of this publication there will be a thousand cases in this country of ten million.)

At first writing, this is the third day I'm home with two extreme ADHD, moderately dyslexic kids and the demands of authoritarian teachers. It’s only the first day of national quarantine, but ours was the only school in the country to close two days early. Our school closed fast before kids even returned from spring break and parents had a three-hour window—announced quietly online and missed by most—to pick up books and supplies

Still, for most people this is day 1, so I’ll call it that.

Day 1 of National COVID-19 School Quarantine

We take the train down to a town 20 miles away to get Marik’s (age 9) first set of braces. This was planned well in advance. At 7:50 a.m. the orthodontist’s waiting room is packed. So much for quarantine. The braces go on fine. We get lessons in how to tighten them and leave. There are no sinks for washing hands, so we don’t eat on the way home on the train.

9:15 am - The train arrives in our little town, Mnichovice, and it is pouring rain. We walk home through rivers of mud and arrive drenched on the path that leads to our chicken coup. The chickens are wet too. The two new ones have a nasty habit of breaking all the other eggs in the coop for fun. I mentally schedule chicken gravy for next week.

9:45 am - We get inside, hang up wet coats and hats and warm up and wash hands. I sit down at the computer to check the latest batch of dispatches from the teachers, still officially working but mostly not.

I was relatively okay for the first two days of our local “quarantine.” I put “quarantine” in quotes because there hasn’t yet been a single suspected COVID-19 case in our town or even in our county. There are a few in hospitals in the nearby city, but the schools there stayed open until today.

Marik’s teacher sent a page and a half list of assignments for today and admonitions about the consequences of not keeping up: five blocks of 15 math problems of various types, four blocks of grammar and spelling exercises, a chapter of foreign language memorization and some online exercises.

The Internet says Czech teachers are giving kids plenty of work in hopes of keeping them occupied. No one seems to be considering that children working means some adult has to be working twice as hard supervising them. Do the teachers actually think parents need more work under these circumstances?

Shaye (age 11) has four blocks of 20 math problems, three pages of grammar exercises, an online history memorization exercise, two pages of foreign language spelling words and instructions to “prepare a presentation about ecosystems.” All of this is typed in a dense block of single-spaced text, no line breaks for easier comprehension, let alone bullet points.

I spend the next hour and a half rounding up all the required books and materials, messaging teachers back with questions about things that were so sloppily written as to be unintelligible and restructuring the chaotic, disorganized lists of teacher fantasies into bullet points that kids can actually read.

11:15 am - Time to get kids off of WhatsApp chats with their friends and to work. A half an hour of yelling and protest ensues. No thrown objects and nothing but a few pencils broken. Hey, maybe this won’t be so hard.

11:45 am - The kids are actually seated at their desks with their assignments and their school books. I’m a goddess! And they’re hungry, so I head downstairs to heat up lunch. Thank the gods for leftovers.

12:15 pm - Break for lunch. I also have a moment to breathe, which I use to call Shaye’s teacher to ask for some teacher engagement during school hours and some help with explaining assignments and checking work, considering that I am 95 percent blind and cannot physically read the textbooks or handwriting.

The teacher, who happens to be a man, says he is too busy to deal with students directly. What is he busy with? Well, that’s not really any of my business.

I ask him point blank if I can write in my documentation that he refuses to discuss the work with my child on the phone or through WhatsApp or similar technology. He blusters and diverts but after three repetitions of my question, he “threatens” that if we don’t just do the work ourselves, my daughter will be required to visit him in person for an hour each day. I cheerfully attempt to schedule these visits at which point he quickly backpedal’s and agrees to a five-minute consultation with her later in the day.

1:00 pm - During the five-minute consultation, the teacher asks my daughter if she understands everything. She lies and says yes. She doesn’t actually want to do the work after all. He asks a few questions to check that she actually has the assignment list in front of her and that’s the end of the call. It takes her four more hours to do half of the work, and that’s just all that’s going to happen today.

1:30 pm - My son Marik is doing a bit better in that he is making an effort, but his new braces are driving him crazy and no one can understand a word he says. Most of his work looks like chicken scratch. It is hard to tell if it’s right or wrong, since I can’t read it.

2:00 pm - After multiple emails describing my vision impairment, Marik’s teacher relents and does a real consultation call and spends 45 minutes talking to him over WhatsApp and helping him through several sets of problems. I actually get to drink half of a cup of tea.

4:00 pm - I go through the foreign language work with the kids, which I can actually do, since the foreign language is English and we have long since left their curriculum in our dust. Then I listen to the kids read.

5:00 pm - I’m hoarse, can barely stand and I’m getting dinner ready when my hubby comes home. I hand everyone a tortilla.

6:00 pm - I collapse into off-duty mode. Papa is in charge for the evening. I vehemently wish the teachers would either start work themselves or curtail their expectations a little. At this rate, I will do nothing but sleep, cook and try to force kids to do assignments and even then I won’t come close to finishing each day.

Day 2;

8:00 am - We get an earlier start today. Marik’s teacher actually sent assignments overnight. Shaye’s teacher hasn’t gotten up yet but there are things to work on from yesterday. Marik’s teacher has been a bit more realistic in the amount of work assigned today, and she calls to get him lined out for the day.

10:00 am - Shaye’s teacher calls and asks pro forma, if she has any questions. Then he tries to hang up, when she mumbles something negative. I stop him and let him know that Shaye has her list of written questions in front of her on her desk. He is clearly unhappy but he grudgingly gives vague replies as she grudgingly asks the questions that she spent the morning using as excuses not to do her work..

11:00 am - It takes me several hours but I manage to order groceries. I can’t drive and shopping is a nightmare for a blind person even in the best of times.. Now, the stores are packed with people and the shelves are empty. Even the online stores have no more pasta, rice, granola bars or toilet paper.

I’m not joining the panic, mind you. I mostly just need to do the weekly shopping as usual, but in the end I decide to buy an extra bag of salt, that being the old prepper standby, and useful if civilization does end and the electricity goes out and I have to make pemmican out of our freezers full of meat and blackberries.

The order arrives later with a third of the items missing, but at least we get something, including the salt.

1:00 pm - I sent Shaye to the tutor’s house. She is a private tutor and we pay her a goodly sum to help with the kids learning struggles. She can at least make a dent in Shaye’s pile of assignments. And I get to drink most of a cup of tea, while Marik actually gets an hour of relatively calm study time.

2:30 pm - We go to Shaye’s therapy appointment by train. The kids see someone in a medical mask on the train and I explain that some people have immune disorders that make the current situation specifically dangerous to them, but we don’t really need to be afraid.

The therapist chuckles over the fact that her office has officially banned shaking hands. She then forgets and reaches out to shake before we leave. Automatically, my hand comes out and I remark, bemused, that we have just broken the new rule. Shaking on meeting and again on departure is so ingrained in this culture that it will be a hard habit to break.

4:00 pm - Now the government has declared a state of emergency. All gatherings of over 30 people are banned with the singularly alarmist exception of “funerals.” Restaurants, bars and clubs must close at 8 pm. Swimming pools, fitness centers and any other body-oriented businesses are closed. All educational institutions are now closed.

The Czech Republic is still one of the least hit countries, with less than ten confirmed cases of COVID-19. A student I haven’t seen in two weeks texted to cancel her next business English lesson because one of those cases turned up in her company. She had no physical contact with him that she knows of, but she is still on two-week mandatory quarantine and cannot leave her home.

5:00 pm - When we get off the train coming home, it is pouring rain once again. Cars speed by through sheets of water, spraying fans of dirty sludge across us as we walk home. I imagine their discussions inside the vehicles. “Look at that idiot, out on the street in the rain with those poor children! And with this sickness going around! They’ll be sick for sure! This is not a time for a stroll in the rain!” Their contempt for people with more troubles than them pours off of them along with the sheets of muddy, oily water. No one slowed to spare us even one wave..

Day 4:

Saturday. At last. No massive assignment lists. I haven’t been this happy it’s Saturday, since middle school.

5:20 am - I wake up with the first gray light, scattered thoughts sorting in my head. I finally have enough mental space to remember some things, like today is the day a local chicken breeder brings hens to the square and my phone beeped with the message yesterday that I am supposed to pick up two 20-week hens at 9:30 sharp.

But unfortunately my hubby (and the only one in the family who can drive) is gone for his annual weekend with his buddies, scheduled way before anyone had ever heard of COVID-19, so that means I’ll have to get there without a car and get the hens home again. With kids, of course.

More details flood in. We need some basic supplies and ordering groceries on line hasn’t worked. The system is overloaded with all the people actually under house quarantine. That number is growing rapidly. Everyone (and their entire family) who had any possibility of contact with one of the confirmed COVID-19 cases is under mandatory housebound quarantine and cannot physically shop for food. So, I should try to get some milk, cabbage, flour—just the basics, while I get the hens.

5:40 am - I can’t sleep anyway with all that going on in my head, so I roll out of bed and do my morning meditation, get tea and take care of the animals before 7:00.

7:00 am - Marik is up and needing intensive attention and reassurance. We haven’t paid much heed to the panic about the virus, so he isn’t really afraid of it, but the restrictions have started to get intense enough that it is impossible not to notice that it isn’t just school being out. He’s clingy and afraid to be in a room with dark corners, like he was as a little kid.

I get him set up cracking eggs and running the mixer for waffles. At least we have eggs. Those are in very short supply in stores but even if the chickens are eating theirs, we still have the ducks.

9:00 am - It takes longer to leave the house than usual, given that “usual” with my kids is utter chaos. By the time we finally get down to the road, I’m afraid we’ll miss the chicken truck. I try duct-taping a cat carrier to the footboard of my electric scooter for the hens, but it is far too large. In a hurry, I grab a small paper box, slap on some duct-tape and tear down the road after the kids, who have already started the trek to town.

The scooter is my main form of transportation. When I say “tear,” I guess I mean a brisk walk by anyone else’s standards. I can see just enough of shadows and shapes to keep the scooter on the sidewalk. Once we’re in town, I’ll have to slow down to avoid hitting anyone or anything. But beyond being nearly blind, I have crooked legs and can’t walk without extreme pain for more than a few miles a day.

I notice immediately that the roads are eerily empty, even for a Saturday morning and the sidewalk is even emptier. We pass two children, a few hundred yards apart. Not another soul.

My kids comment that every driver who passes us glares at me intensely. Again, they are coming to conclusions about the crazy lady out riding a scooter with her kids during what has quickly become “national lockdown,” not just school quarantine.

9:30 am - The chicken guy is not impressed with my paper box and duct-tape approach to chicken transportation. Neither are the hens. The box is torn and I have to duct-tape it back together around them, but eventually they settle down and think they are in a laying box. I duct-tape the box more solidly to the scooter and we’re almost ready to go home.

9:50 am - But we swing by the main grocery store in town and I leave Marik outside to watch the hens while Shaye and I go in. I’ve heard rumors about some frantic buying over the past two weeks and seen the havoc caused in the world of online groceries, but I am shocked at the scene inside the store.

Unlike the sidewalks, the store is packed with more people than I had ever seen in it before. All of them move in grim silence. Pairs of people whisper urgently together and everyone passes strangers and neighbors alike with averted gazes. Shaye was definitely the only child in the store.

I veer toward the baked goods, but stop before I quite get there. Even I can see the shelves were entirely bare. Two women are searching for the last few bread rolls that had fallen between the boxes on the bottom shelf.

I turn into the dairy aisle. Here too, whole sections are bare. Not a single bottle of milk of any variety. Shaye finds the last buttermilk carton, tipped over in the back of a cooler shelf. We’ll need that if we are to make more waffles. I find ultra-pasteurized, eternal shelf-life milk in the canned goods section. It tastes bad, but does the trick, especially for baking.

No hope of cabbage. I send Shaye to search for flour while I take a quick detour into the chocolate department, realizing that the Spring Equinox is coming up in a week and at this rate, I might not have chocolate treats to hide in the kids’ plastic eggs. Even here the pickings were a bit spare, though still relatively abundant. In the end I have to settle for large chocolate bars with breakable sections.

I give the harried but still rosy-cheeked cashier a bolstering smile and wishes for continued strength. Then we are off toward home. We stop in at a tiny specialty shop and manage to get a bottle of maple syrup, liquid gold even at the best of times.

11:00 am - The new hens are in the coop and seem no worse for their unconventional trip home. The sun has actually come out and it looks like spring. The kids are huddled by the cold wood stove whining that they want computer games and more waffles instead of lunch. I lay down the law. There is a bit of weekend homework to be done and they need to play at least one non-electronic game for the first time all week… before electronics.

Little do I know what my rules will start. As I start getting lunch, they grudgingly begin, first with a card game and then with board games all over the table. As they warm up, they become more enthusiastic and by the time lunch is ready they are outside, climbing on the side of the house and trying to rig up the summer-time swing.

After lunch, they are back out there. I have a fright when Shaye falls off of the jungle gym mounted on the side of the house and comes in screaming in obvious pain and limping badly. There couldn’t really be a worse time for an ER visit, unless you count being snowed in.

Fortunately, it turns out to be just a bad shin bruise, already turning black and purple with blood seeping through a small cut. Disinfectant and a bandage will have to do.

2:00 pm - To my astonishment, the kids play outside most of the afternoon. I actually get to drink a whole cup of tea while wrestling with the online teaching platform finally chosen by Shaye’s grumpy teacher. It is mostly based on Adobe Flash, which I didn’t realize went out of fashion about the time I graduated from college.

The teacher has an old Microsoft desktop computer, so he thinks it’s fine but all of his students are on Android phones and iPads, none of which are going to work well. It takes me a few hours, but I finally find an Android solution and send it to him. He has started to give me a bit of grudging respect as he sees that my demand that he actually work, if he wants the kids to work, is coupled with a willingness to help.

4:00 pm - My phone pings with another message. The sender isn’t in my contacts but is marked ominously as “The Government.” They must be sending mass messages to the entire population now via cell phones. This time they’ve locked down all stores and businesses other than grocery stores, pharmacies, pet care shops, newsagents and electronics stores. I wonder about the electronics stores for a moment, until I realize that the entire country is going virtual and not everyone is well prepared in advance. It’s actually a reasonable exemption.

Now we are truly on national lockdown. Anything more and you’d be courting humanitarian disaster. But how long can we realistically hope to make this work and how long will be long enough to make a difference? There still hasn’t been a single COVID-19 death in this country, but there have been several hundred seasonal flu related deaths in the past week, not to mention as-of-yet uncounted stress-related suicides and heart attacks.

Day 5

As of midnight last night, the whole country is quarantine. No more therapist appointments. No more tutor to help drag Shaye kicking and screaming (literally) through her schoolwork. No one is allowed to leave home, except to go to work or to shop for food. There is an exception for individuals to go to natural areas to commune with nature alone. But neighborhood kids are not allowed to play together. Even private tutors are banned from teaching.

Shaye has three times as much schoolwork today as she can realistically handle in a day—write a short story containing seven words the teacher randomly selected, do several grammar exercises, write an essay on the Central Bohemian region, do four whole sets of math problems, do two pages of foreign language exercises, and read for a book report.

She does part of it, throws books and chairs and refuses to do the rest. I’ll dock her time on phone games and social media because iron consistency is the only way with her, but on the other hand, the amount of work handed out for a fourth grader with multiple learning disabilities is beyond excessive.

Marik does manage to finish most of his third-grade work by afternoon. It is sunny again, so he spends the afternoon bouncing on our trampoline and hollering back and forth with the boy two houses away also bouncing on his trampoline alone. I’m sure the neighbors in between are not happy, but I am passed the point of caring. Those neighbors have five dogs which are so starved for attention that our lives constantly have the irritating backdrop of incessantly barking dogs. Now with the quarantine the whole situation feels even more claustrophobic.

On the bright side, I manage to get the grocery order I put in last week today. We are now well supplied for as long as two weeks if necessary, and I got chocolate eggs. Toilet paper may only last about ten days but I have lived in places and times where one had to use newspaper. That too could be survived.

As usual, the real conditions of hardship—such as the distant virus or low toilet paper supplies—are much less troublesome than the purely human-caused problems—such as overzealous teachers, cruel motorists and irrational fear.

With that thought, I summon the last shreds of my energy and call the elderly woman `i know with fragile health and message a couple of friends with chronic health problems, who could be in danger from the virus. I don’t really know what I can do to help, if any of them are in crisis, alone or without supplies. Without a car I’m not likely to be that much help, but I’ll think of something.

As it turns out, they are all doing okay so far

Day 7:

I’ve never been a real “prepper” but I have leanings in that direction. For once, no one in my family is criticizing me for it.

Today’s halfway-prepper menu:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with dried fruit and boxed ultra-pasteurized milk that lasts forever unopened.

Lunch: Romani Halušky - grated potatoes and wheat meal and one egg, mixed with a little water and boiled in small bits, then tossed with smoked meat and sauerkraut. Sauerkraut has all the fiber and vitamin C you need when fresh food is hard to come by. It also lasts months packed into a large urn and can tide good preppers through the winter, but I didn't make mine last fall, so this is the last of what we bought at the store when stores still had such things.

Dinner: Half a hen with buckwheat noodles and broccoli. This is good if you have frozen broccoli or manage to get some. Then you kill the hen that has been eating all the other hens’ eggs (hopefully it’s only one of them), pluck it and boil half of it all day in the slow cooker to make gravy. Freeze the other half for next week.

Snacks: Celery and peanut butter (because ... celery = what you happen to have that needs to be eaten while its fresh.)

Dessert: Chocolate zucchini cake, cause you haven’t quite run out of flour and you managed to save a few eggs and you did freeze grated zucchini in bags last summer, didn’t you? (The kids rebel because they just saw me get an order including a bunch of packaged food, but that’s all for when the flour and sugar run out. Flour and sugar were among the things even the online stores are out of.)

Day 8:

Yesterday I was almost joking about being a “halfway prepper.” Today it feels a lot less funny. Major factories are closing. There are 30 mile lines of trucks at the borders. They are checking all the drivers and the loads before letting anyone cross. The food shortages are widening and deepening.

People have started buying up seeds and gardening supplies as well as just food and toilet paper. I’m starting to think that a little hoarding might have been a good idea while I had the chance. Now there are quotas on everything and you can’t buy large amounts anymore.

I know that with my root cellar potatoes, chicken eggs, pantry and freezers we can get by for two more weeks easily, probably a month with creative cooking. But there is no sign that the crisis will be over in a month. Estimates put it at “six weeks at least.”

The government comes out with a new, tighter rule every day, as if reminding the population of their fear is somehow going to help. Hubby went downtown to see if he could get some supplies and came back mainly with an armload of face masks. As of 6:00 p.m. the new rule is that anyone who goes out to shop or go to work must wear a mask.

I have to wonder how that will play out if/when the looting starts. A little seed of fear has started to creep in, and I find myself sternly admonishing the kids not to waste their cups of yogurt. I’ve never been one for wasting food but this is different.

The kids schoolwork is still a problem, but whatever consequences the school hands us are starting to seem less important. It’s almost becoming routine, and Marik goes to his studies almost without protest. He has also started to help out in moments of family chaos, making the fire or washing off the table according to my rapid-fire requests. Sometimes he complains that his older sister refuses to help, but as kids have always done in hard times, he is starting to rise to the challenge.

Shaye still screams and carries on about schoolwork and refuses to help unless she is bribed with something specific that she desperately wants, which adds up to it being more of an educational experience for her than a help to the adults around. But this evening she was serious for a moment before bedtime and promised to try not to throw fits..

Day 9:

6:00 am - It is the Vernal Equinox. I get up and walk up to let the chickens out of their coop, only to discover that all the ducks, which don’t tolerate being shut in for the night, are gone. I find a fox tunnel under the fence.

I sit down heavily on a boulder and curl around the knot of sorrow, frustration and, yes, even fear in my chest. I don’t cry, even though I usually cry easily. I don’t know why no tears come.

I go back to the house to do my spiritual practice and meditation before the kids get up, but I have little heart for it. This is usually one of my favorite seasons. I love the budding life of spring and I relish the fresh, cool breeze and only slightly warm sunshine. I usually feel full of hope and energy at this time of year, but not today.

Now I sit in front of my altar and candles and I feel nothing but exhaustion and sorrow. I do feel some shame for being selfish and not wanting my children home all day every day. But mostly it’s just sorrow. In all the years I’ve had animals I’ve never had a loss this massive. Hardship and bad luck always seems to come in waves. It never rains but it pours.

Gods, why? Was it something I did? I don’t believe in vengeful Gods, but I do believe in reaping what you sew. Still I don’t see how my careful and conscientious actions could lead to this.

I go through the traditional words of hope in the Equinox ritual, but I don’t feel it. My faith is sometimes like that. I have to fake it til I make it, but this has happened before. I’ve been through despair more times than I care to remember.

8:30 am - Shaye takes a swing at me with the broom while she is supposed to be sweeping as her daily chore. She walks around dragging the broom behind her with one loose hand. I firmly but constantly explain to her how she needs to sweep and stand in her way so that she cannot simply walk around the room dragging the broom loosely. That’s how she takes a swing at me. I catch it but it’s close.

9:00 am - Shaye’s teacher calls an hour early and is harshly critical that her phone was turned off. He has my phone number and I have told him repeatedly that she does not have unlimited access to a smartphone because she developmentally has no capacity for self control about YouTube and other time-waister apps. He doesn’t accept this and hangs up, refusing to help her today.

10:00 am - Shaye is sitting at the kitchen table struggling through a test sent by her teacher. I couldn’t help her cheat much even if I wanted to. I don't know this level of Czech grammar. I can hear Marik upstairs talking to his friends on WhatsApp instead of doing his schoolwork. I’m too exhausted to intervene. I make myself a cup of tea and drink all of it.

1:00 pm - After heating up lentil soup for lunch and listening to the kids squabble, make farting noises and complain over it, I manage to get outside for a moment to clean up and check on the chickens again. There were two eggs yesterday and one today but more importantly there are no little piles of shells and slime showing where eggs have been eaten. That doesn’t mean they haven’t become more sneaky about it, since there should be a few more eggs, but it is possible that the chicken gravy did the trick. It better have, since there will be no more duck eggs.

I take a deep breath of the free clear air and smile up at the slightly warm early spring sun. There seems to be less air pollution. Most planes aren’t flying, cars are few on the roads and many large factories are shutting down. The things we wanted to happen to combat climate change are coming true in an odd way.

It does make me wonder why it is that the world can come together to save a small percentage of people who could die from a COVID-19 infection, but we were never willing or able to make similar sacrifices for the entire next generation which stands to lose everything to clearly demonstrated danger. Climate change already kills far more humans than the seasonal flu and COVID-19 combined.

Of course, I know the answer before the question is even fully formed. Those in danger from COVID-19 are at this point wealthier and more powerful than those who die every year from extreme heat, drought, floods and famine.

3:00 pm - The kids are finally finished with their schoolwork, which means I’m free as well. I get out my favorite Equinox decorations—blown eggs colored with waterproof acrylic paints. Back in February when the kids were away skiing, I had a little time and I painted a few more to replace those broken last year. I was so proud of myself, getting the jump on Equinox preparations. Little did I know then that those little touches would be the only preparations I would get a chance to do at all.

Now I string the blown eggs on embroidery thread and hang each one carefully from the branches of my favorite lilac bush in the front yard. It is a bit too shaded by our massive oak tree but it is what I want now—a little tree with colorful eggs on it. Usually it is a cheerful welcome for people coming to our home at this time of year.

This year few visitors are likely to see it. I sit on the grass and smile up at it, feeling unduly happy. Marik runs over from the trampoline and sits beside me, cuddling into my side. “Ids priddy. When do we ged tocolade eggs?” he lisps through his braces. His speaking and eating has gotten a little faster over the past nine days, but he is nearly impossible to understand.

“Maybe tomorrow if it doesn’t rain to much the Ostara bunny will hide chocolate eggs for you,” I say, hugging him close.

That was one tiny moment of calm and bliss in the chaos. That little bit of decorating is the only non-essential, non-food-related, non-school-related task I have done in a week and a half with the exception of this blog, which barely counts as a task.

That’s all I’ve got, folks. No great inspirational thing about hope and peace and humanist love. Just this bleak and unpleasant survival. If this post has a message, it is a plea to remember those who are vulnerable in this crisis—and not just those who might get sick.

If you are happily alone and able to binge watch everything you usually can’t, spare a thought (and maybe a phone call) for those who are alone because of age, disability or family rejection and who feel the isolation of quarantine more bitterly. If you are happily amid your family, spare a thought (and maybe a care package) for single parents with several kids trapped in small city apartments and others with too great a burden of care-taking.

It isn’t that thinking of the misery of others should make you feel better about your own situation, no matter how hard it is. But it is worth remembering that some people have it harder than others. And your elected representatives need to know what is happening to the most vulnerable in these times.

What is hard for me is easy for many. I have only two kids and we can go outside in our yard. For me it is hard because of my physical disability and my daughter’s behavioral-developmental disabilities. What is easy for me may bring another family to the brink. I wonder how people are fairing who don’t know how to cook and are used to buying packaged food and eating out.

Similarly I may be stuck in lockdown, but unlike many people I don’t have any pressing need to go somewhere. I’m an introvert and the fact that I haven’t seen anyone but my husband and my two kids in a full week doesn’t really bother me. My main problem is no alone time, rather than social isolation. But that’s just my specific situation. So if things are easy for you now, consider that many others are already enduring serious hardship.

I don’t know how long I can keep this up. For now, I’m truly just taking it one day at a time.

Measuring disadvantage: A well-intentioned concept gone horribly wrong

A few days ago, a blind woman with a white cane and a guide dog ordered a taxi in the city close to where I live. When the taxi arrived she got into the back and her guide dog was about to get in as well, but the taxi driver insisted that the dog was not allowed in his vehicle, despite national laws that bar discrimination against licensed guide dogs and their owners.

The woman argued with the driver and insisted that she had already paid for the taxi through her mobile app. The driver first shut the door, separating her from the guide dog and insisted that she would either go without her guide dog or she would lose the price of her fare because he would report that she hadn’t shown up.

The woman protested and the driver ordered her out of the cab and threatened to call the police.

The woman then began to voice-dial the police herself, due to the driver’s threatening tone and her knowledge of the law. The driver attempted to grab her phone. Then, cursing her with profanity, according to a witness, he opened the door and violently dragged the woman out of the vehicle. The witness’s video shows the woman roughly hauled from the taxi, so that she fell and was left lying in the open roadway where vehicles passed as the taxi drove away from the scene.

At the last second, the driver tossed the woman’s white cane out of a window and onto the road. In the video, the woman is seen slowly getting to her feet. Despite the presence of moving cars and a major hotel, the only person who came to her aid was the witness with the phone who had to run down several flights of stairs to reach her.

I haven’t been on social media much in the past six months. I used to try to keep up with Facebook for the connections to old friends and for the ostensible positive effect on marketing books.

But first activism and then family crisis interfered until I found myself popping onto Facebook only every week or so, to go through notifications and then get off. I used to get pretty worked up about some of the hideous things on social media, and now it is more like an intellectual dismay over the state of the world. I rarely have the impulse to get into a big argument or defend my position on social media these days.

Today for the first time in many months I commented on a post that got under my skin. And it wasn’t even about that incident with the woman and the taxi driver, which painfully reminds me of a time a few years ago when I was physically assaulted and threatened with police while asking a driver illegally parked across a sidewalk to either move or assist me because I couldn’t step out into traffic with my two toddlers to get around his vehicle, given that I can’t see.

The post that got at me this time was worse than just a single incident. I ended up doing some extra research and found my stomach boiling with frustration and even anger. And no, it wasn’t Trump supporters, neo-Nazis out to get my brown kids or white supremacists parasiting off of my spiritual symbols either (though those are things that have lit a fire in me in the past).

No. This time it is allies, just allies being knee-jerk and thoughtless in a way that leaves me sick with sadness.

Creative Commons image by Oregon Department of Transportation

Creative Commons image by Oregon Department of Transportation

The post was an online tool for measuring the intersectionality of oppression, called the Intersectionality Score. The theory of intersectionality is one I am well acquainted with and I’m not even particularly adverse to attempts to roughly measure it the way this tool does. It is a reasonably effective way to portray intersectionality both visually and kinesthetically and to allow people who may not have a lot of life experience with the issues to understand the interplay of factors in oppression and marginalization.

I guess the thing that really gets to me is when something reasonable and hopeful is finally done, but done so badly that it perpetuates harm.

Most progressive people who understand intersectionality have always insisted that it cannot be measured and that privilege cannot be compared. We don’t have any objective way of knowing if a Black person in Detroit faces more barriers than a disabled person in a small town in Nevada or visa versa, and most attempts to make a direct comparison are rightly shot down. But this Intersectionality Score tool makes an attempt to do just that, though it makes no vehement claims to accuracy.

But whether it claims accuracy or not, it does reflect the common attitudes of most woke progressive folks and for the past several months those attitudes have been one of the factors driving me away from social media and activism.

The Intersectionality Score tool isn’t the problem, only a symptom of attitudes that I have seen widespread and possibly increasing in recent years.

You see, the tool weights the various factors involved in marginalization—disability, economic class, gender, migration status, native language, race, sexual orientation and so forth (consciously listed alphabetically by me, not by them)—and you get a score based on where you fall on separate spectrums of each of these categories. It is reasonably complex and the fact that there are spectrums—rather than on/off switches—reflects an attempt at nuance and accuracy.

Most of the weighting is reasonable—judging from statistics of discrimination, hate crimes and life expectancy of various groups as well as broad experience of individuals known to me—with one glaring exception.

Perceived racial identity is the factor weighted heaviest, due to widespread discrimination, racist attitudes, police violence, social marginalization and a host of other pervasive adversities. Gender is given a bit more weight than sexual orientation and gender identity, probably because of wage inequality, endemic sexual harassment, domestic violence, social dismissal and other problems faced by women on a daily basis. Sexual orientation and gender identity do get more weight than say economic class, which could be debated, though given the number of fatal hate crimes against gay, lesbian and trans folks, a case can be made.

But the one factor that stands out as being dismissed and belittled in the Intersectionality Score tool is disability.

One can determine the weight given to any specific factor by leaving all other sliders neutral and sliding the bar for one factor all the way to each extreme. Out of 100 points, race is weighted at 27 points. That means that if you have a completely and utterly white person steeped in white culture and a completely and utterly black person steeped in black culture, but in all other respects they are somehow miraculously average, the black person is apparently disadvantaged in our society by 27 out of 100 points.

I am definitely on the far white end of that scale myself, but after years of study and watching my children who are not white grow up in a racist society, I have to conclude that this is a conservative estimate of the difference white privilege makes.

Gender is given a weight of 15 points, which again seems reasonable though conservative, to me as a woman, though I encounter irritating micro-aggressions daily and humiliation every now and then due to my gender. Sexual orientation is given 10 points, which I can imagine may well be justified.

But disability, even the most severe types of disability, is given just seven points out of a hundred.

Don’t get me wrong. I can imagine how a person without a disability, who has not researched the issue or had any significant experience with disabilities might think that although having a disability disadvantages a person because they actually lack some crucial abilities that isn’t what the Intersectionality Score is measuring. The uninformed able-bodied person can easily think that most of the issues concerning disability are unavoidable physical, neurological or biochemical problems, rather than socially constructed barriers, and thus not covered by the concept of intersectionality.

The problem is that this understandable able-bodied person would be wrong. And an uninformed person has no business designing and putting out a tool like this in public with links to major initiatives like Teaching Tolerance, while dismissing the social exclusion faced by people with disabilities as less than half as impactful as modern gender discrimination, for instance.

On any average day, the physical trouble being blind and somewhat mobility impaired causes me is a nuisance, something to be taken into account and worked around. The social impact, however, is overwhelming and has shaped my entire life from employment to social circles, from physical and intense psychological assaults to the necessity of emigrating to another country to achieve a basic level of freedom. Dealing with patriarchy as a woman is a pain and sometimes dangerous, but it doesn’t even come close to the impact of oppression and marginalization due to disability. And my disability is far from the most marginalizing possible.

It is hard to imagine that the designers of the Intersectionality Score tool were entirely uninformed about this. Here are some basic statistics that can be found with a 10 minute Google search:

  • 47 percent of people with disabilities live in poverty.

  • Internationally 90 percent of children who have a disability still don’t attend school today.

  • People with disabilities are 70 percent more likely to be the victim of a violent crime.

  • A third of all employers openly state that they do not hire people with disabilities because they assume people with disabilities cannot perform required job tasks, regardless of their track record.

  • Only 35 percent of people with a disability, who are of age and able to work, actually have a job. About 80 percent of non-disabled individuals, in comparison, have a job.

  • 6 percent of women with a disability in the UK have been forcibly sterilized.

  • Only 45 countries in the world today have anti-discrimination laws that aim to protect people with disabilities.

  • A quarter of people with disabilities face at least one incident of discrimination every single day.

  • 40 percent of people with a disability in the UK encounter discrimination or socially constructed barriers when accessing basic goods and services like grocery shopping, medical services, housing and education.

  • 38 percent of able-bodied people admit to pollsters that they believe anyone with a disability is a burden on society.

  • 28 percentage of able-bodied people say they resent any extra attention that someone with a disability receives.

  • Nearly 70 percent of able-bodied people say they actively avoid people with disabilities in social situations out of discomfort or irritation.

  • Official estimates say that in the UK alone over 100 hate crimes are committed against individuals with disabilities every single day. An OSCE report states that hate crimes against people with disabilities, including assaults with more than one attacker, are critically under-reported, widespread and continuous, although they are much less discussed, studied or recognized by police than hate crimes based on race or religion.

  • The FBI reported that serious hate crimes of national interest against people with disabilities rose by 70 percent between 2016 and 2017 and mentioned that hate crimes against people with disabilities are still vastly under-reported.

  • The Harvard Implicit Association Test shows that out of a sample of more than 300,000 people, including people with disabilities themselves, nearly 80 percent of those who voluntarily took a psychological test have an automatic, if often subconscious, preference for able-bodied people over people with disabilities.

The designers of the Intersectionality Score tool might well argue that these problems are primarily about people with “severe disabilities” only. However, their tool uses a slider precisely for this reason. Only at the far end of the scale is an individual considered completely able bodied and without disability. And yet, their assumption is that the most extreme end of the disability scale implies only very minor social marginalization.

The designers of the tool may also be assuming that severe disabilities are rare. Again, it is a wrong assumption arrived at precisely because people with significant disabilities are so marginalized in society that they are often not present where able-bodied people are present. Nineteen percent of the US population is categorized as having a disability, while ten percent qualify as having a severe disability.

The designers of this tool may also argue with my anecdote in the beginning of this post, saying that the problem the woman faced was not based on prejudice related to her disability but related to something (the guide dog) which is only an accessory to the disability. Yet these same woke progressives have no trouble dissecting this same logic when police officers insist they shot a young black teen because he was wearing a hoodie, not because he was black, or when an employer insists he was not discriminating against a black woman in hiring but objecting to her “unprofessional” hairstyle.

I am going to mention here another possible explanation for the way the Intersectionality Score tool is designed, because it is inevitable that the argument will be used. Some will say that people with minor disabilities or health issues (peanut allergies are specifically belittled as insignificant on the site) will inevitably rank themselves as having a severe disability. The designers of the tool may claim this is the reason for the low weight given to the whole issue of disability.

The problem here is inherent to the attitudes toward people with disabilities. The designers of the Intersectionality Score tool trust people of color to rate their level of color versus whiteness. They trust the honesty of LGBTQ+ people to rate their own experience. But they don’t trust people with disabilities to be intelligent, fair-minded and understanding of nuance. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Disability is the least studied and the least mentioned marginalization factor among progressives and the general population alike. Often as not, diversity lists that insist on inclusion of people regardless of race, gender and so forth, don’t include disability or include it only under “other” categories.

Until recently, even I believed prejudice against people with disabilities was minor compared to other types of prejudice. I assumed this was an established fact because of the way my woke friends and colleagues only tacked it on at the end if at all when discussing prejudice or oppression. I believed it was minor, despite living through it personally day after day, personally experiencing hate-based assaults, hiring discrimination and community shunning.

I figured, along with most other woke progressives, that while people with disabilities experience some discrimination, people are much more likely to pity us than hate us. I assumed that my own experiences of hate and social marginalization in a wide variety of situations had as much to do with being a non-conformist as it did with having a disability.

That was until I encountered the Harvard Implicit Association Test. The results of this test are primarily offered only AFTER one has taken each test, so I have constructed bar graphs to show you the results more easily. The test is the same for each category. The respondent has to categorize images and words at high speed, depending on specific instructions given.

The test goes too fast to consciously manipulate. If you try, you will simply get a result saying your test couldn’t be processed or you made too many mistakes. But if you just do your best and have a minutely harder time categorizing one group of people with positive terms, the test will score you as being subconsciously biased against that group.

You might think that these split-second differences would be pretty random, but when distributed over hundreds of thousands of test respondents, they aren’t. The results show us what we already know about prejudice based on race and sexual orientation. There is a lot of bias out there, even among those who consciously want to be unbiased and anti-racist.

The Implicit Association Test doesn’t necessarily mean that a given individual will discriminate or even agree with their own test results. The official website of the Harvard Implicit Association Test states that, “While a single IAT is unlikely to be a good predictor of a single person’s behavior at a single time point, across many people the IAT does predict behavior in areas such as discrimination in hiring and promotion, medical treatment, and decisions related to criminal justice.”

That is to say that while you can’t take someone’s test score and know whether or not they will discriminate personally tomorrow, if a group has high scores of implicit bias against another group, discrimination and prejudice will rise accordingly. Groups that demonstrate higher implicit bias discriminate more and behave in more prejudiced ways over all. Groups that are less preferred in the test, experience more discrimination and social marginalization.

And as the charts of results show, 68 percent of respondents, representing more than 800,000 tests between 2004 and 2015, demonstrated an automatic preference for light skin over dark skin. The results are nearly identical on a similar test featuring photographs of European Americans versus African Americans, which was taken by over 3 million people. The test results are anything but random.

While around eighteen percent of people were neutral when it came to both race and sexual orientation questions, the bias was somewhat less on sexual orientation. For some of us, this is surprising information. If you grew up in a conservative Christian area, like I did, you get the impression that racism may exist but it is repressed, while homophobia is often loud and proud. But that loudness is confined to its homophobic specific group. Among those with anti-gay bias, there is a significant block—about 40 percent—where that bias is severe.

The same goes for bias against people with disabilities though, only more so. Of the 78 percent of people, who demonstrated bias against people with disabilities, half showed severe bias. The severe bias group here is larger and more extreme. The types of words associated with this negative bias against people with disabilities are not merely about pity or dismissal, but rather terms like “hatred,” “dishonest,” “ugly,” “terrible,” “poison,” “annoying,” and “disgust.”

I am left with this striking discrepancy. While the Harvard study, which is based on a scientific and measurable indicator, shows that people with disabilities face significantly greater potential prejudice and negative bias in society even than people of color, the tool designed by woke, progressive allies dismisses disability as a significant factor in the intersectionality of oppression and social marginalization.

It is difficult to avoid the obvious conclusion that the negative bias against people with disabilities discovered in the more objective Harvard study played a role in the design of the Intersectionality Score tool, and it continues to play a role in progressive and activist communities, which we have looked to as our best and only hope for equity and inclusion.

My experiences in progressive and activist organizations—too often being silenced and marginalized over ostensibly “interpersonal” problems with people I actually had no quarrel with—begin to take on new connotations.

Though I doubt the designers of the Intersectionality Score tool set out to perpetuate harmful dismissive and belittling attitudes toward people with disabilities in progressive communities, their site has that effect. Comments and responses on the site don’t appear to be up-to-date, so it is unlikely that they will listen, but I hope at least this one site will be changed to better reflect the realities we live with.

In the end, after getting it all down in words, I find that the burning anger, which aggravating social media posts so often kindle, has cooled. I’m left instead with aching grief and dread of a world in which my child, who is vulnerable both in terms of race/ethnicity and disability, has few true allies indeed.

The definition of happiness

People have sought to nail down happiness for millennia. It is an overall positive concept. We can say that love can be smothering or that joy can be overwrought. Almost anything positive can have a negative side but the only possible negative thing about happiness is when it is not shared.

I cannot claim that I have found happiness or that my life is happy or that I have the answers in any other definite way. But I have found one thing. I now know what happiness is.

Some people think happiness is simple good fortune, material wealth, good health, good family relationships, the right number and kind of friends, the things a person wants on a day to day basis. And these things do often “make us happy” at least for a moment. Conversely, the complete lack of material necessities or family or friends, great poverty or ill health can cause much sadness.

Creative Commons image via Pixabay

Creative Commons image via Pixabay

But I’m guessing most readers of this blog are well aware that this is not really what happiness is and that, in fact, sadness is not the opposite of happiness. We all know of people who were wealthy and terribly unhappy. There are plenty of healthy people who are unhappy and hordes of people with many friends and family members who are unhappy. It is well documented that acquiring things that you want only makes a person happy very briefly and can lead directly to more long-term unhappiness.

Looking to more complex sources of happiness is often seen as somehow morally superior, but I am not certain it isn’t just wisely self-interested.

I used to think that happiness was adventurous living and passion or attention to one’s senses and living intensely in the moment. These things come close because they hint at the real heart of happiness.

Living intensely in the moment with full sensory awareness is a good start, but what makes happiness full and lasting are two things: Purpose and thankful joy.

It takes both. Let me show you why.

Purpose or meaning in one’s day-to-day life is a key ingredient to happiness. A person can be quite content, satisfied and well-off and yet have the nagging, uncomfortable knowledge that happiness eludes them. In fact, this is a common symptom of the modern malaise known as afluenza.

In wealthy western countries, a lot of people already have the material and even emotional comforts they need and desire. And to our dismay, we have found that this does not translate into much greater happiness than our ancestors enjoyed while struggling through lives of material want.

In fact, having what one needs can be counterproductive in terms of happiness because one of the easiest purposes or meanings to find in life is the striving for the material needs of yourself and your family. If one’s family is in need, it is simple enough for the individual to attach guilt-free purpose to every activity that either directly or indirectly fills these real needs.

I have met many people in developing countries or immigrants from struggling countries who have recently arrived in a wealthy country, who are radiantly happy over the long-term. These are not the desperately poor people who have been down-trodden by systemic oppression. Sometimes they are people who have escaped such traps by good fortune or well-timed hard work. The thing that they share is driving purpose. They have a realistic and graspable possibility of giving their children opportunities they could not have dreamed of when they were younger. And the happiness of these people is so palpable that it has become legendary.

Once we have what we truly need, that easy out is no longer an option. Many people pretend that their family “needs”. a new siwimming pool or a better car or private school or other things that take large amounts of money, but our deep subconscious and—dare I say it?—our souls know it is not a real need and thus the purpose often starts to feel hollow and people who base their lives on this kind of fulfillment eventually fall into psychological crisis.

Many of the same immigrants who were so happy while pursuing the dream of security and opportunity for their children find that once it is achieved, they themselves are less happy and their children struggle with conflicted feelings and deep dissatisfaction. This is the paradox of the happiness granted by such a survival-focused purpose in life.

Many parents—and I am somewhat guilty of this myself—base our purpose in life around the nurturing and flourishing of our children. And there is nothing inherently wrong with this either. It is another relatively easy out though and for many people parenting is temporary and this basis for meaning and thus happiness leads to empty nest syndrome for many or in some cases terrible grief and depression if something happens to the child or children to make flourishing no longer possible.

Others find purpose through their work. Purposeful and meaningful work is one of the classic ways in which we find purpose and thus happiness in life. It doesn’t mean that any activity outside of work is not fulfilling. Our bodies are well aware that we need rest and recreation to fulfill our purpose well and our purpose can also be a mis between work and family fulfillment.

People who have careers with clear and highly respected purpose, such as doctors, scientists or teachers, are often happier than people in roles that may resemble cogs in a vast machine. This is not an objective thing. By objective logic, a person who works in a job of mundane maintenance in the transportation industry or state agency that oversees such an industry may well have less feeling of purpose, though in reality their job ensures that the doctors, scientists and teachers get to their jobs and that their patients and students arrive as well.

The point here is that we must have purpose and meaning of some kind in order to enjoy deep and enduring happiness. For those who lack need or don’t have anyone who physically and emotionally depends on them and also lack clearly purposeful work or who cannot find meaning in their work the struggle for happiness is hard… but certainly not impossible.

Some of the more pro-active ways to find purpose are to be a lifelong student, always pursuing knowledge, or to join communities or causes which have a purpose that is important to you. Some people can find purpose or meaning in purely spiritual matters or in living a simple life well. There is nothing wrong with this, if the feeling of meaning in it is genuine to the individual.

In any event, purpose is generally the most externally conditioned of the two ingredients of happiness. You might think the opposite was true. Doesn’t a sense of meaning or purpose come from within whereas joy is something given to you by the outside? This is in fact false.

Purpose, real purpose, is dependent on many external factors. Unless you are one of those people who can find a true and abiding purpose in spiritual existence in and of itself, any other purpose can be destroyed or at least harmed by circumstances. Just as with the parent who puts everything into the nourishing of a child who then dies, other meaningful activities can and often are thwarted in major ways.

It is, of course, possible to overcome the devastation or destruction of that which has given life purpose and meaning for a time. We find new purpose all the time and a wise person will always have more than one source of meaning in their life. But reconstructing happiness after a major blow can be hard.

Moments of thankful joy on the other hand are much more at the discretion of the the individual.

Moments of joy or beauty are truly as necessary as purpose. We have all known or at least known of people who have lived with great and grim purpose and gained no happiness from it.

Some people do manage to make wealth and prestige their entire purpose in life but without joy and gratitude, they remain almost entirely miserable. Those who must struggle to survive in extreme situations certainly find purpose or meaning in that struggle, but if starvation, hardship or persecution is too intense it may be nearly impossible for the individual to find any joy and thus happiness is out of reach.

Some of the happiest people in the world are relatively poor. Poor countries often register as happier on psychological indicators. And this has a lot to do with the fact that purpose—i.e. survival and the survival and education of one’s children—are relatively easy purposes to find for lives in these countries, and yet, as long as there is no terrible war or famine, points of joy and beauty can be found even amid relative hardship.

Among countries with the highest suicide rates—definitely an indicator of a serious lack of happiness—there are many wealthy countries and also countries in which stress and social expectations are high. In the first group purpose may be a bit harder to find, which leads some people to give up without searching further for meaning, and in the second group, while satisfying strict social norms may give a kind of purpose, it is often a hopeless one and it does not lend itself to joy or gratitude.

For this reason, the happiest people tend to be people who have not yet achieved the things they most want and yet have enough to allow for moments of beauty, enjoyment and gratitude. Despair is the result of grinding poverty or overwhelming oppression and despair is the true opposite of happiness. While it is possible to be happy, even while holding a deep sadness for the loss of or separation from home or loved ones in one’s heart,, it is not possible for happiness and despair to coexist.

Thankful joy can be found in a moment for most of us. A glance at some scrap of natural environment, a lightening or darkening sky, a familiar and loved face added to a moment of mindful appreciation is all it really takes.

Ah, that sky through the bare birch branches of early spring. Ah, the warmth of the radiator on cold knees. Ah, a cup of a warm and tasty brew. For a moment, nothing more is necessary. And if this occurs in a life with purpose and meaning, the result is. happiness.

Who's racist or ableist: the Implicit Association Test

When you aren’t on a deadline or scrambling to get done the essentials (but your brain is too tired to either pursue your serious interests or get you moving toward something truly restful), there is something you do at your computer in that state of numb fog.

It might be browsing through pictures of cute animals on Facebook or playing Tetris or Solitaire. It might not always be the same time waster, but chances are you have certain habits. I wonder if those habits say something interesting about your personality.

My numb-fog habit is browsing through sociological and psychological statistics. If one’s numb-fog habit does say something about one’s personality, I am pretty sure mine says I’m a hopelessly weird variety of nerd. But there you have it.

Creative Commons image by Whisperer in the Shaddows photostream

Creative Commons image by Whisperer in the Shaddows photostream

Sociology and psychology statistics are like mental candy. I know that they don’t always mean what they appear to mean and they aren’t always good for me. But they strip things down to outlines and make the world appear much more orderly and predictable than it actually is, even if its predictability is in how absolutely nuts and irrational most people are.

This is why I’m the type of person who takes the Myers-Briggs personality test for fun and tries to get my friends and family to take it too. And yes, I got a very weird (or at least statistically uncommon) result on that test.

On one of the rare days when my kids were away and I didn’t have to work during the winter break, I indulged in my numb-fog hobby instead of either sleeping (which would have been the responsible choice) or doing something fulfilling or useful. And what I found was an intriguing online study out of Harvard called the Implicit Association Test.

It’s actually a series of mini tests that cover everything from your subconscious preference for light skin or dark skin to your preference for randomly selected previous presidents versus Trump and from your positive feelings toward straight people versus gay people to the degree to which you subconsciously view Native Americans as “American” or “foreign.”

If you’re curious, I turned out to slightly prefer African Americans over white people, have no preference on gay versus straight, harbor a moderately strong assumption of Native Americans as more American than white Americans and (weirdly) I subconsciously slightly preferred Trump to Richard Nixon.

Needless to say, my results on these tests tend to be on the minority side, with the exception of my subconscious lack of interest in the difference between gay versus straight people, which appears to be fairly common.

The results of these tests can be surprising, both on the individual level and when taken as an overall statistic. I went into the race test knowing that the vast majority of respondents present a subconscious bias against African Americans, including more than half of African Americans themselves who subconsciously prefer white people over people who look like them.

The test goes so fast that you can’t really try to control it or even remember much of it, but there was one of the black faces with big, beautiful eyes that looked kind of like one of my friend’s kids, and maybe that’s what tipped the balance for me subconsciously. I’ll never know because the test doesn’t explain why we have subconscious associations, it just ruthlessly alerts us to them.

Many people find that even though they state vehemently anti-racist views and truly believe they are “color blind,” they still have implicit, subconscious biases, even against their own group. This study is proof that we don’t live in “a post-racial world.”

It is one thing to fight discrimination and prejudice through equality laws, but what do you do when the people perpetuating problems of inequity and prejudice don’t even know it or condone it? It’s tough, but there are people whose test results come back without bias or with a bias in favor of those who have been historically marginalized, like mine did.

In addition, though society makes much of sexual preference as a scandalous personal detail, most people actually don’t much care about other people’s bedroom activities, according to the Harvard test results. So there must be some way to mitigate prejudice.

I am pretty certain that, if I had taken this test twenty years ago, the results would have been different. I remember how, as a college kid coming from rural, eastern Oregon, I was nervous whenever I saw a black person coming toward me on the sidewalk.

I had nothing “against” black people. And in fact, I couldn’t understand why they had faced discrimination “years ago.” I didn’t really know any black people, except for my mom’s college friend who died of cancer when I was a child, but I did secretly wonder if the continued ruckus over “race” wasn’t just coming from a few who wanted to “feel special.”

I report this all with a bit of shame, but I think honesty helps. This was my view around 1995. As hilarious as it may sound now, I thought that we were completely “over it” back then. And had I taken the Implicit Association Test on race at that time, I am sure I would have had implicit bias against black people, though I would have consciously believed I was unbiased.

What changed? Both life experience and conscious focus.

First, I spent four months in Zimbabwe as a student, almost always the only white person in a room or on a street. Even though most people were wonderfully kind to me, I learned what it is like to be a highly visible racial minority in a country with hot political and racial tensions. I then spent several years covering racial and interethnic conflict as a journalist, mucking around in every type of divide from South America to Eastern Europe.

Finally, I adopted children who are not white and we live in a country where racial boundaries and prejudices are deeply intrenched. When my children were little, I started to experience first hand how race is truly viewed in majority-white societies. And I started reading copious amounts both on race theoretically and from Black, African, Native American and Asian authors. I chose racially diverse reading and dolls for my children and spent hours to find them, not to mention several times the amount of money necessary to buy “white race” toys.

It has taken years, but now I have very different views than I did as a young student. Not only do I know very well that our society is far from a post-racial world and I am hyper-aware of things like police brutality toward black people in America, I also have gained enormous gratitude and respect for the persistence, courage and patience that so many people of color have given our society throughout history.

That last is what I think made my test result skew in favor of black faces. After two decades of focusing on the positive contributions and articulate stories of people of color, my subconscious attitude has shifted. It is that also which causes so many African Americans to harbor more negative views of black faces.

Most people in our society are not immersed in stories, media and images that present people of color positively. In school or in the mainstream media, one cannot help but absorb mostly negative images of people of color and mostly positive images of white people. But I do not consume much mainstream media and it has been a long time since I was in school.

After all that, of course I was curious about what the test would say about attitudes toward people with disabilities. Popular assumptions would tell us that most people do not really dislike people with disabilities but possibly pity them or objectify them. Despite the occasional discrimination and harassment I’ve encountered which was clearly due to my disability, I thought surely actual hatred was reserved for people of some marginalized racial group or non-standard sexual orientation. I assumed, before seeing the results, that most of my difficulty with inclusion in social groups has to do with my physical inability to make eye contact and read non-verbal cues.

Here again, the results upset my assumptions and those of wider society as well.

I wondered if I would personally have a slight bias against people with disabilities myself. I have a rugged, self-sufficiency streak and people with disabilities often do better in a more collaborative and mutually supportive community. Even I do, though I might wish otherwise. So, I was prepared for the test to tell me I am just as “self-hating” as all the anti-black African Americans.

But that isn’t what happened. I turned out to have a slight implicit positive bias in favor of people with disabilities or at least in favor symbols associated with them.

Only 9 percent of people who took the test share that implicit bias in favor of people with disabilities, while a whopping 78 percent associate people with disabilities with negative thoughts, including roughly half of that number who have strong negative associations with disabled people.

That left me gaping and shocked. The negative bias against people with disabilities outstripped racial or homophobic bias. The words associated with people with disabilities on the negative side were things like “selfish”, “dishonest”, “hate”, “anger,” “despair” and “disgust”. It wasn’t even primarily about pity.

Those results are deeply disturbing to me and my afternoon of casual browsing through statistics turned sour.

To be strictly accurate, let me emphasize that these were the views of nearly 80 percent of the people who happened to take the Harvard Implicit Association test, which is mostly something people run across online or are assigned to do for a class. That isn’t really very comforting, however.

It is likely that if the demographic of the test takers is weighted in some way it is skewed toward more educated and connected people. And these are the people who have such overwhelmingly negative implicit associations when shown images and symbols associated with disabled people. This wasn’t measuring a sample of mostly uneducated or isolated people.

It is particularly concerning given that people with disabilities are usually the last group added or are completely left off of those ubiquitous lists of people we should include and center in progressive circles. I always figured that people with disabilities got left off of such lists or added as an afterthought because people thought we were generally viewed positively and there wasn’t much need to emphasize non-discrimination against people with disabilities.

Now that dismissal takes on a different connotation. People with disabilities are often left out even in diversity culture and when they are added in, it is as a prop, never as a voice. At this point I’m still reeling from seeing these results and I don’t have any idea why there are such negative stereotypes about people with disabilities.

But my own experience with overcoming racist biases makes me think that what we need is a significant, pervasive promotion of the voices, images and stories from people with disabilities with an emphasis on our altruism, unselfish contributions, intelligence, helpfulness, capabilities, honesty and dignity. Without such promotion throughout society, I doubt these attitudes will change.

To take no shit or to tough it out - a rebel's view

I’m going to write about an incident here that I have never openly acknowledged before. I didn’t promise to never discuss it. There was no non-disclosure agreement, but I’m sure my high school principal assumed there was a gentlemen's hush-hush agreement.

He should have known. I’m no gentleman. Part of the point was that I’m not a man at all and was not a boy.

Creative Commons image by Craig Cloutier

Creative Commons image by Craig Cloutier

I graduated from high school in a desert town so small that they changed the population sign when my family moved in from 150 to 154. My father was a rookie teacher and had to take whatever post came his way. The sophomore class I entered had six students. I got a study-abroad scholarship and spent my junior year in Germany, but I spent two years with them.

By the time I was ready to graduate I was also more than ready to get out of that tiny desert town. I had again lined up scholarships, this time to an exclusive, liberal arts school half a continent away. I had big dreams of international journalism—and more importantly—escape.

My grades and SAT scores were enough to land the scholarships. The other kids mentioned something about me being valedictorian and I was surprised we would have one with so few of us. Even so, I wasn’t without competition.

My study-buddy Faye, who was one of the best friends I had during my entire school career, was college-bound and savvier than me about most things outside of books as well. She would no doubt have had straight As, if her home life had been more like mine—i.e. stable, two-parents, and you know, a house with separate rooms for each kid rather than a tiny trailer.

But as it was, she wasn’t even in second place. I won’t pick on the kid who was by name because I doubt any of this was his fault, though his parents might have been involved.

In the early spring of my senior year, I was called into the principal’s office and told that I wasn’t going to graduate. I already had a college settled and full scholarships. The news hit me so hard it literally knocked the breath out of me. The principal said that, although the school had initially agreed that my credits from Germany would be accepted without any grades being counted against my GPA, he had determined that that wouldn’t be possible.

He gave me two choices. I could either repeat my junior year to make up the credits or take the grades given on my German report card into my GPA and accept that “pass” grades, of which there were several would be counted as Cs.

I had even gotten a real C on that report card—in third-year chemistry. I had never taken first- or second-year chemistry and it was in German. The teacher was a sour-faced traditionalist who probably was being “charitable” by her standards in giving me that C. I couldn’t follow the class at all and there were no accommodations for the fact that being legally blind I couldn’t see the chalkboards or read the tiny-print, light-blue-ink books.

If I accepted those grades I wouldn’t be going to college at all, given that my scholarships would evaporate. There was no way I could work my way through school without being able to drive or do the hurried physical labor of most minimum-wage jobs at fast-food restaurants. The principal maintained a level, uninterested tone as he delivered this soul-destroying ultimatum.

I went home in tears and was confused by my parents’ strange lack of concern.

Most of what they said was a blur to me, but I remember my mother at one point stating, “You need to stop grabbing everything for yourself.” Finally, I got what she meant. My mother was always fanaticly against selfishness and at one point she hinted that it was understandable and even justifiable for the town to want the son of a prominent local rancher to be valedictorian, rather than an interloper who had only been there for two years.

But it was my father who explained it to me plainly. I would not be allowed to graduate as valedictorian. It wasn’t actually impossible for me to graduate with a good GPA, but no one could say out loud that the issue was who would be valedictorian in our class of six. However, my father also didn’t seem to think that taking another year of high school would be such a bad thing, even if I had already taken every class the school offered and more than half of my senior year had been independent study and distance learning classes.

I was an emotional and loud-mouthed teen and I cried bitterly over it. I wanted more than anything to lash out, to go into the school yelling and demand justice. I wanted to talk to the other girls and tell all. This was what my parents made me understand I must not do. If I made any kind of fuss, I really would not graduate or would graduate with a GPA that would erase my scholarships.

It was my first major lesson in bowing my. head to injustice and keeping silent, and I think my parents thought it was a good and needful lesson in general, because I had given them a lot of mouth over the years and had a reputation for yelling, “It’s not fair!” at the slightest provocation.

They didn’t tell me exactly what to do or say, but I was actually a quick learner. Figuring out what to do wasn’t the hard part. It was swallowing the bile in my throat that was tough. I didn’t need the accolade of being valedictorian. That wasn’t really the issue.

I was a teenager and so at least somewhat selfish, but I think if someone had come to me and said, “Hey, you have your college thing worked out. Can we let one of the other kids have this valedictorian thing so that they have a fighting chance?” I would have given it up willingly. I just hated being scared out of my wits during that terrible moment in the principal’s office and bucked at being forced by authority to bow to something blatantly unjust.

Still I managed it. I walked back into the principal’s office a few days later, folded my hands in my lap and tried to put on a show of being a sweet and submissive young girl.

“I see that some misunderstanding has come up here, and I think we can solve it easily,” I said. “When I went to Germany, I agreed with the school that my grades would be counted as pass/fail, and clearly pass/fail grades can’t be counted toward someone being valedictorian. Having those pass/fail credits obviously makes me ineligible to be valedictorian, even if they don’t change my GPA.”

The principal was silent for a moment and then nodded and made a gruff sound of assent. It was settled and not a word was ever spoken about the matter again. I graduated with a 4.0 GPA and went off to college. I don’t know what happened to the kid who was valedictorian, but Faye, who wasn’t, became a lawyer for labor unions and did just fine.

A few more times in my life, I have had to formally bow to injustice. Once I was told explicitly by a hiring editor at a newspaper that I wouldn’t be hired because of my disability. I could have spent the best years of my journalism career finding a lawyer willing to gamble and suing the guy, and I might have won. But instead, I swallowed the bitter pill and went my own way.

Another time an editor insisted on switching the sequence of events in a news article I had written. I wrote that the NATO-led bombing of Kosovo in 1999 preceded the flood of Albanian refugees leaving the province, and showed that the newspaper’s own archives backed me up. But my editor stated that it was “policy” to say that the NATO-led bombing came only “in response to” the flood of Albanian refugees, “forced to flee” the province.

It was the clearest instance of political censorship I encountered as a journalist and I felt a bit like Winston in the book 1984, when he held incontrovertible evidence of vast lies in his hand for a brief moment. But I was a rookie reporter, scarcely more than a kid, and I was beyond grateful to have the relationship I had with that editor.

The bit of backbone I showed that time was to request that no false statement should appear under my name. I asked the editor to either remove my name from the article or allow me to rephrase that part vaguely enough to skirt the issue. We agreed on the latter solution.

Why am I digging all these skeletons out of my closet at this point? Mostly because I had pretty much forgotten about those incidents and when reminded of them, I realized that no one involved in any of those incidents has any power over me any more. I can say these things and any sanctions that might be brought against me can no longer harm me.

The same can’t be said for the situation I found myself in last fall with the climate action movement Extinction Rebellion. There, I was asked to keep silent about abuses of power and to accept being the only person explicitly excluded from leadership positions because our leader took a dislike to my questions and inability to swallow hypocrisy.

The stakes for me were emotional and social this time instead of the future of my education or my job. That’s a blessing of sorts. While the climate crisis threatens all of our survival, this exclusion and discrimination didn’t threaten my personal survival. It only threatened to cut me off from friends and a source of hope that the movement had become to me and many others.

Finally, the stress of being constantly blocked and excluded by those in powerful positions along with the demand of the organization to keep such issues quiet became too much. The impact on my emotions, physical health and even family life was getting out of control and after a particularly rough period of two weeks of daily harassment by one person assigned by the power clique to hound me, I did what they wanted and simply ceased all contact with the local Extinction Rebellion group.

I still text with friends inside the climate action movement and my friends have asked me to come to talks with the leadership. I understand why my friends ask it. I was a powerhouse of positive energy when I was part of the movement and my work involved supporting others rather than the power games that have poisoned our corner of this otherwise admirable movement. My friends who are committed both to real climate action and to a healthy internal culture in the movement want me back.

But those who excluded me have their own reasons for holding the talks. I was far from the only one to run afoul of them and they are understandably under fire for their unethical tactics in an organization that claims to be both supremely inclusive and non-hierarchical. I was one of the more prominent people to run into trouble, however.

The small group being paid “expense assistance” to run the “all-volunteer” organization would like to erase the stain on their reputations (and possibly even their consciences) caused by them hounding the only significantly disabled leader out of our national branch.

This is a current crisis and again I am being asked to bow to injustice and keep silence about it. The last agreement they pressured me to accept was that I would be considered blameless (since there wasn’t anything they could find to accuse me of) and yet I would be excluded from positions of authority. In exchange, I would not be openly harassed and the big autumn actions we had planned would not be disrupted.

As it happened, I was still harassed. And the exclusion was much more widespread than the agreement hinted.

What will their next “agreement” offer? I can’t really imagine. I think I will go to the talks for the sake of the friends who have asked me,, but I will make clear from the outset that I will no longer bend and bow to hypocrisy and exclusion. I will speak openly about harassment and abuse of power. And if I am excluded and harassed personally, I will simply leave.

I am glad that I am no longer a child or a young employee physically under the power of others. The ability to vote with one’s feet without being destroyed is the very definition of empowerment.

The sci-fi mystique of 2020

“It is the year 2020 and the first annual conference of sentient artificial persons is about to begin. One of the first agenda points is a resolution demanding that humans stop using the derogatory term “robot,” which comes from the Slavic word for “work” and gives the connotation that we should be the servants of humans forever…”

Wait a minute. That won’t work anymore. Sci-fi writers always have to push their stories ahead a couple of decades to give themselves enough room for imagination.

As a kid, I was confused about why George Orwell thought the year 1984 had a dire, futuristic feel to it. For me, it was just the mostly boring year I had our near neighbor as a second grade teacher, so that when my mom called me in sick so that i could go sledding in the first fresh snow of the winter, I got caught.

Photo by Arie Farnam

Photo by Arie Farnam

For my generation, 2020 was the year that sounded futuristic, cool and a bit scary. 2019 and all the other years since 2000 just looked weird written down and we had a hard time saying them at first. We were used to saying, “Nineteen ninety something.” So we naturally tried to say “Twenty” but then we had to say “Twenty O one” and “twenty O two,” so it just didn’t work.

But “twenty twenty” works nicely and it was safely remote enough that we could freely imagine a futuristic world, either utopian or dystopian. We were really expecting flying cars, robot soldiers and at least basic food replicators by now. Touch screen tablets actually turned out to be way cooler than our sci-fi could imagine and drones are a bit more boring than we pictured.

However, our sci-fi failed utterly to predict social and cultural changes. To be fair, sci-fi pretty much by definition has to go to extremes. Either the culture will be hopelessly jaded and cruel or we will somehow banish racism, ableism and bigotry of all sorts along with the common cold. Naturally, neither of those situations has fully materialized.

Sure, today’s culture is jaded and unhealthy in ways that we couldn’t have dreamed in the 1980s or 90s. The effects on general mentality and interactions that social media, nonstop video games and blanket advertising have had are way more depressingly banal than sci-fi authors of the past would have envisioned.

But I recently got a kick out of explaining to an ESL student studying professional English usage that the pronoun “his” is now simply considered wrong—rather than “politically incorrect”—in the sentence, “I’m the kind of employee who always stays late when his boss asks,” given that the student is female.

The ability to choose any music, video, book or magazine in a second and surround yourself with ad-free, thoughtful and wonderfully diverse voices (if you so choose) is also pretty amazing. The ability to buy almost everything online and rarely have to go to any store except the local mom-and-pop store on the corner is downright awesome.

Knowing that the casual homophobia my kids are exposed to in elementary school will be countered with a much more open-minded online world once they are a few years older gives me a little peace, while the continuation of deeply engrained racism and ableism in almost all social spaces fills me with despair.

Other than the touch-screen devices, the thing that is probably the truest to the science fiction and fantasy of my youth is the global disaster of climate change looming, while political and cultural leaders enact the modern equivalent of “the folly of Rohan”. Tolkien would only have been perplexed about how our Gandalf turned out to be a teenage girl with pigtails.

While it looks like life in 2020 is going to be just as mundane as it is every year while we’re living it, this coming year is the year we once envisioned as dramatic and decisive. And although it is just one more year in a series of numbered years, we could take that up. We could choose to make our resolutions less about losing weight or saving money and more about the kind of world we want to make real through our actions.

In 2020 Americans will participate in the election of another president, very likely the last president to have a real chance of averting catastrophic climate change. Vast numbers of people in Asia, Africa and South America are gaining a middle-class lifestyle, and through global interpersonal communication, we have more opportunity than ever before to expand our concept of “us.”

And yet many of us are struggling with personal lives that already feel survivalist, where every day is on the edge. My. hope for the new year is to find a clear path through the storm, a sense of direction.

May 2020 be a year to remember for much needed change.

Is your family gathering inclusive or just quiet on controversy?

There has been a rash of articles and posts about avoiding arguments and political or religious disagreements around the holiday table this year. The focus of most of these pieces is on peaceful, quiet and controversy-free gatherings.

Tensions haven’t been this high across family tables and between generations in half a century. Many of us are exhausted from the sheer complexity of modern life and by hardships and pain that seem to come out of nowhere. No wonder most of us just want peace more than anything.

Creative Commons image by Neale Adams

Creative Commons image by Neale Adams

And yet, quiet is also what happens when someone dies, prison doors close or bullies smirk in satisfaction.

When I read those posts on avoiding controversy, the picture that builds in my mind is of a woman or a few women—sweating and bone-weary—checking the turkey. Then, the man of the house comes and carries it to the table amid applause, though the only other time he touched it was when he commented critically on its size early that morning as a woman was putting it in the oven. He cuts it and magnanimously passes out pieces, while the women wash up the spatters and hurriedly take off aprons or tuck up hair as they run to take their places at the table.

One woman at this gathering with a chronic illness hid in the study and now she comes to sit down at the same time as the other women, hoping maybe no one will notice she wasn’t helping because of her physical pain and praying no one will ask her if she’s still trying to get pregnant or why she doesn’t just adopt. At the table, the LGBTQ+ teen sits silently, head lowered, with inner turmoil, fear and doubt hidden.

The aunt with a husband of another race and mixed race children is mysteriously absent after last year when someone brought up her husband’s professional advancement probably being due to some kind of affirmative action. The disabled child is told she’ll have to leave the table if she doesn’t stop asking for something. The solitary uncle with Asperger’s Syndrome is chided for putting his hands up by his ears… again.

The child is frightened into silence. The uncle is still. Everyone says something they are thankful for. Even the teen mumbles something about being grateful to be alive, which most laugh off as being teenage petulance. They eat and watch football.

That is a family table without controversy.

And I want no part of it.

I am not saying it has no merits at all. We are fortunate to have families like this. Many people with disabilities like mine who will spend this winter holiday entirely without family could probably teach me a thing or two about the virtues of gratitude.

But I just want to say that silence and a controversy-free table shouldn’t be our goal. The pain at that all-too-common table I described is no less than the pain at many tables where there are hard words spoken. The goal instead should be empathy and gentleness—yes, even gentleness toward those with too much privilege who may be oblivious to the difficulties faced by others.

It is a hard thing to pull off, but here are some tips I would like to implement for a holiday gathering that is a safe zone amidst conflict. You are welcome to join me in this effort.

  • Ask those who can to bring something or help out. Help children and teens to make some contribution. Give older people and sick people possibilities to contribute while seated, for example by watching a baby, folding the host’s laundry that otherwise won’t get folded, cutting up the salad or any number of other things that require little energy. Or encourage those you know are exhausted to relax.

  • Make sure that the same people who are usually working long hours in the kitchen during the holidays are pampered a bit and have as much help as possible. Make sure to appreciate contributions in front of others, including contributions that happen outdoors or which are less visible.

  • At the beginning of any such important family meal it is helpful for the host or other senior member to make a statement about inclusion and caring for all, such as, “I want everyone in our family to know that we love you and accept every part of you. We will love you and accept you at our table no matter how you dress, who you marry or don’t marry, what you do or don’t do for a living. If you’re in trouble, we are with you in sickness and in health, as best we can stand by you. The only way we’d have to love you from a distance is if you abused others and wouldn’t stop. Family by blood, by oath or by choice means belonging.” Studies have shown that even just mouthing words about inclusion really does decrease incidents of abuse and exclusion. And surely it would also comfort some who have reasons to fear rejection.

  • If your family has a ritual of prayers or thanksgiving before these big holiday meals, encourage family members to bring quotations or prayers that resonate with them from various cultures and traditions, whether spiritual or secular. Be clear that all are welcome, even when you’re speaking to those who you know have a firm religion. This will help to prepare them for including others, and will go a long way toward welcoming those who might feel marginalized. One way to make this particularly fun is to bring a lot of different quotations and prayers on slips of paper and let people draw them out of a hat to read or choose from a pile in the middle of the table.

  • When (for most of us it isn’t a question of “if”) someone protests the inclusion of traits or beliefs they consider to be wrong, have a clear response prepared to refer them to, such as, “In this house we don’t allow exclusion or derogatory comments about traits someone can’t control or about beliefs that don’t harm anyone else. Please respect the house rules, if you wish to stay.” There is always the question of tolerating the intolerant. The only way I know to solve this one is to say that what we tolerate is what harms no one, while we don’t tolerate that which infringes on or harms others. We don’t insult someone who suffers from addiction. Yet, we also don’t let someone force harmful smoke on others. If you are unlucky enough to run into the argument that being gay or trans is a “choice,” you have my sympathy and I suggest simply sticking to the facts that medically it is not considered voluntary and that these traits do not harm anyone else.

  • It is hard to ban all “political” discussion in a world where almost everything personal is political, but it may be a good idea to ask your family to refrain from discussing political figures or specific proposals during the holiday gathering, if you know there is division in your family. There is a difference in the provocation in a statement like, “I want to toast to the health of Bernie Sanders. May he live long and lead well as president next year,” versus something personal but also potentially fraught with politics like, “Hi Grandma, this is my partner Sydney.” Laying down the rules on that difference is worth the trouble.

  • If things do get heated, remember that silence usually favors the privileged and helps abusers. It rarely comforts the vulnerable or the unjustly rejected. Favor those who are generally marginalized in any moderating of discussion. Remember that tears and anger as well as withdrawal are common reactions to hurt and exclusion. Defend anyone who is disrespected for circumstances beyond their control or for harmless beliefs. Ask those who attack or belittle others to be silent first, when trying to put down open conflict.

  • Most of all listen and work toward actual empathy. As hard as it is, if and when words are spoken on difficult subjects, listen to what is expressed and try to reflect back to the speaker in a way that assumes good intentions. “Uncle Brad, I am hearing you say that you feel like liberals want to let in all these refugees but we don’t even talk to our next door neighbors. I know you’re the kind of guy who helps anyone stuck by the side of the road and I believe you really do care about people.” Then if you really don’t want to talk politics, stop there. Don’t try to give your side. Just ask if Uncle Brad is willing to put off the discussion to another time.

  • Consider asking your family to use a gift spending limit or a homemade gift exchange. Whatever we can do to lessen the level of consumerism in our lives will help in many ways. Beyond that, as wealth inequality widens and families become more diverse, wealth inequality within families also widens. If you haven’t yet witnessed a family conflict sparked by accusations or insecurities over differences between gift values, you definitely don’t want to find out what such a fight is like. Sort names randomly in advance and encourage family members to make a homemade gift, a gift of a shared experience or simply a gift under a reasonably low price limit. Or alternatively, encourage homemade gifts for everyone (such as soap, candles, cookie tins, ornaments, potholders, photos, artwork, etc.) and encourage those who don’t do crafts to buy only small gifts for everyone of similar type (pens, chocolates, gloves, etc.).

  • Get to know the individual needs in your family as best you can. You may have only vaguely heard that aunt-so-and-so is sick long-term. Find a moment, on the phone beforehand or privately during the event to ask if there is anything she needs. She’ll probably say “no,” even if it’s not true, so be on the lookout thereafter. This isn’t “being a mother hen.” It’s just being a healthy family member. The same goes for family members with long-standing, known disabilities. You may think you know what your brother on the autism spectrum or with a vision impairment needs, but the chances are that since he grew up he has learned a lot more about what he needs himself that he didn’t know before. Ask how this family gathering can be made easy and comfortable for people with infants or older people or anyone else who might have uncommon difficulty. It may seem like extra effort that has to be put out in the beginning, but the savings in stress and effort over the long run are enormous.

  • Many winter holiday celebrations, beyond Thanksgiving, incorporate a ritual of stating one’s reasons for gratitude. This is a beautiful tradition, however it does entail a focus on forcing everyone to be cheerful, regardless of circumstances. A good addition to this might be to state what one is thankful for and also a mistake one would like to make amends for. This may make those most privileged a little uncomfortable, but no more than the gratitude thing makes those less privileged uncomfortable. It balances and makes the ritual “real.” Alternatively, each person might state something they would like to heal or rectify in themselves or their family over the next year.

  • As the previous point implies, not everyone is happy and cheerful during the holidays. It is wonderful when we can gather around with genuine smiles and belly laughs full of shared joy. But there are times and circumstances when we can’t. Be aware of those in your family, including yourself, who might be struggling to be cheerful. A hug, an offer of a quiet place to withdraw when needed and an acknowledgement that “it’s okay to not be okay,” go a long way toward real inclusion and are likely to bring on more smiles.

This list probably isn’t comprehensive. It is just my ideas and at the same time it is overwhelming for one person to take on. If you have a family which is consciously trying to transform interactions and make a more peaceful and inclusive gathering, it may be helpful to print this list out, cut each point onto separate pieces of paper and let family members choose to be in charge of encouraging and implementing one or two points.

The person who chooses a given point then becomes the family advisor on that issue for the gathering. They make an effort to implement the point personally or organize any group activity involved and they may also gently remind others of the shared goal of inclusion and peace when tensions rise.

Above all, remember that this is not easy but it is worth the effort.

Peace be on your house and may love infuse your winter holiday celebration.